I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
*Seductively hides in the woods
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good