I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
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ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff