I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
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Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here