I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
All excellent questions
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?