Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

How all things should be taught/explained.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.