Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

What kind of a cult is this?

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.