I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.