I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I only eat vegetarians.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[the middle of showering] I need a break