I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
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Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.