I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
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Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.