I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
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[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Hotels are back