I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
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Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods