I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
You Might Also Like
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Good morning!
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no