Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.