I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
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Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Tell the colonel to bring it
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
who wants to go expliring
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
That’s not how days work.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?