I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
