I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
You Might Also Like
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*