I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
You Might Also Like
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
the last thing a carrot sees
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?