I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”