I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
me and my fake scenarios
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread