I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
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The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?