I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store