Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

What

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.