I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
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ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I self medicate, therefore you live.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
dead inside
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.