I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
You Might Also Like
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.