Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”