I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
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I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
This is amazing.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
my nickname in college
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover