I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
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It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.