Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

💀

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

I drew y’all a little something.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.