I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
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“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.