I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…