Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

my retirement plan is braless

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*