I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life