i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.