i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
You Might Also Like
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.