Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

Fluff me with a fork baby

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”