i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
You Might Also Like
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.