Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

*files a restraining order against reality*

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”