I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
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[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.