I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
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Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
🤣🤣🤣
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts