I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
HERE’S MARKY
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
