Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.