I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?