I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.
For the last time… I’m not depressed.
This is just how I eat.
No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
[on Wheel of Fortune]
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__
Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Studio audience: *groans*