I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST