I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5