I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up