I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
This has made my week.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.