Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

im 7 sauces long

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.