I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked