Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?