Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

I unironically love this joke.

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”