Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER: