I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
This will teach them to underestimate me
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back