I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
You Might Also Like
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Mornin. * use accordingly
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Always the vampires
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My daughter was invited to a birthday party. We showed up, & the people who hosted the party weren’t even there. They cancelled the party, but didn’t notify anyone, so we all went back home. Hours later I text the family, “what time should I pick up my daughter from the party?”
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*