Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.