Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

I didn’t know they can drive…

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

first you must answer his riddles

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

next question.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re