I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
presenting your incognito window wrapped
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER