Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Denise please return my vape pen

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

who named him groot and not spruce lee

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Extremely relatable.

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.