i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.