I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.