I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
next question.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
A flock of dads is called a grill.