I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
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I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”