Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘