Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.

Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

Love this one 😂🧟

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕