I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
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My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached![]()
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now