I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
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HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.