Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving