I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Classic German Shepherd 😂
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
