Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

Are you ok, human???

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

he’s sick of your bullshit today