I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
The most precious boy
I feel seen
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.