I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
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I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore