I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.