Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

the saddest jazz hands ever

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”