Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body