I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
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[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget