Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?