Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”