I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
![]()
You Might Also Like
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
![]()
![]()
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?