Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse