Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.