Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

I put the I in Insufferable.

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password