I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
You Might Also Like
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
never deleting this app.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Employees must applaud the planets.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens